The scrawlings of the gecko

Which God am I?

2007-05-27T08:29:00.000+02:00

Which God or Goddess are you like? Your Result: You are your own God or Goddess Sorry to say, i have no answer that fits you. You are your very own person, and you like to do things your own way. You have stumped me this time, but i will soon make a quiz that will have your answer, just you wait...
Satan
Goddess Sekhemet
Goddess Bast
God Zeus
Budha
Jesus
The Christian God
Which God or Goddess are you like? Make Your Own Quiz

Harry Potter

2007-05-09T02:55:00.000+02:00

Rediscoveries

2007-01-22T07:50:00.000+02:00

I rediscovered this song over the weekend, love the lyrics.

Die mense op die bus (lyrics: Christopher Torr, vocals: Laurika Rauch, 1999)

refrein 1:
sing vir my saggies, sing van die reën
waar kom dit vandaan, waar gaan dit heen?
my hart is al lankal, lankal gebreek
ek het jou byna, jou byna vergeet

die mense op die bus beskou
die liefde soos oggenddou
my hart is lankal reeds gebreek
ek het dit net-net weggesteek

dalk is die liefde soos reën
dit sal die aarde plek-plek seën
die mense op die bus sê ja
verspreide buie hier en daar

refrein 1

die mense op die bus wil hoor
waar het jy eers jou hart verloor?
die mense op die bus sê nee
daar is baie visse in die see

my hart is amper weer gebreek
ek het dit net-net weggesteek
die mense op die bus beskou
die liefde soos die oggend dou

refrein 2
sing vir my saggies, sing van die reën
waar kom dit vanddan, waar gaan dit heen?
my hart is al lankal, lankal gebreek
ek het jou bynaam, jou bynaam vergeet

2 x refrein 1

... ek het jou bynaam, jou bynaam vergeet

This is a song for the ...

2007-01-21T07:49:00.000+02:00

We are in the last days of the first month of the new year. Shit, seems like this will be a short year as well. Still struggling to switch the mind into work mode, it is still in a holiday space. I had the most amazing weekend in Rustenburg. Me, mom and a few of friends. I had so much fun, and not one hangover. What was sad though was the moment I got to PTA (or some time before PTA) a bad depro struck.

What brought it on I do not know, if no one knows where thoughts come from, who knows where depros come from. Tried to sleep it of, went out for drinks with friends and found myself back at home, not even retail therapy could cheer me up (4 CD's later). Why do I have this marriage with loneliness (note to self, Leanord Cohen does not help)?

What's lonliness anyway? According to Wikipedia: Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation. Loneliness is more than just the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Loneliness is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected from, and alienated towards, other people. The lonely person may find it difficult or even impossible to have any form of meaningful human contact. Lonely people often experience a subjective sense of inner emptiness or hollowness, with feelings of separation or isolation from the world.

Seems to sum it up. Shit this is the first post of 2007 and it is so depressing. Are we predisposed to be loners and are loners predisposed to be lonely? Is this another chicken and egg situation?

Do we bring this upon ourselves - or is this just a collusion of circumstances and external forces? I do not know, but intend to find out.

Once I have solved this riddle I will try to enlighten you.

Another one bites the dust

2006-12-30T03:27:00.000+02:00

Today is the second last day of 2006. Man, what a year. It just flew by and December even faster. I have not given the new year much thought and I think I will stick to the one new year's resolution that has worked for me for three years running (if not longer): my only resolution will be to have no resolutions at all. It is virtually fool proof. I just save myself the despondency of having to realise by March that I am still smoking, still partying, have still not lost 200kgs or started that new hobby yet. People get real and save yourself the pain. If you are not able to do it during the year, why will it miraculously happen in a new calendar year? Enough bitching - each to their own.

The post-breakup thing is going much better and I even got back on the bike twice already (although it was not that fulfilling). Today is also the third day that I am happy pill free, I just had enough of the side effects and I actually feel much better. I will need to have a chat to my doctor, that was a shit prescription. Things are looking up, I have been in a fabulous mood for three days now. It figures.

Lets see what 2007 will bring... love, happiness, work, frustration, hopefully some travel and I pray to some higher power for a spectacular sex life for the year... (this is not advertising is it?).

What the hell?

2006-12-28T05:34:00.000+02:00

This is my supposed celibrity look alikes... I am not so sure.

http://www.myheritage.com

year ends, (non)breakups and deaths (and a wedding)

2006-11-29T05:20:00.000+02:00

the title of the entry was intended to be 'virgin experiences with therapy'

The last few months have been busy and tempestuous at times. Finished one of the biggest research jobs of my career, visited Botswana, Malawi, Namibia and Norway (all work and no play makes the gecko a dull boy). The year has formally come to an end for me on 22 November ( I have been at the office everyday since however. I am finishing a few final things and then I am going to do as little as possible for as long as possible.

One of the greatest people and a friend died on 15 November. CTB died at the age of 25 at 23:15 on 15 November 2006. This was truly a sad day and up to his memorial and the subsequent wake (which we needed in order to say goodbye in a fashion he would have approved of) everything was very unreal to us. It still is. Cause of death: Unknown (could have been a heart attack, aneurysm, burst aorta etc. Autopsy was inconclusive). You just remember CTB - in our hearts you are immortal, because you leave very deep imprints.

The wedding... mine is not taking place this December as I have fantasised about earlier this year in a moment of irrational and unrealistic thought. A friend of mine is however. I however have been uninvited (for reasons unknown). In her defense, we have grown apart over the last few years.

Till later - and hopefully with more philosophical substance.

gender equality

2006-08-27T22:25:00.000+02:00

Lassie

2006-08-20T23:27:00.000+02:00

www.mrgisby.com

as always

2006-08-20T23:24:00.000+02:00

hmmm

2006-08-20T23:22:00.000+02:00

I be, because I am

2006-05-30T23:02:00.000+02:00

Another post, another day. Today I had a day off and spent it reading, watching DVD's and drinking. The office will be a totally new experience all together tomorrow.

Had a lovely night with two of my friends tonight though. Luv them too bits, it is funny how some people are always just there for you. I try to do the same and it seems like it working. We cannot help but have fun when we are together. Why does that not go the same way with all social relationships? People are different and have different expectations form each other, I think if these are not in sync things can go off track.

I will leave it here for now, too much beer might make me talk crap (?) and disclose too much.

One year wiser

2006-05-22T19:59:00.000+02:00

Right, the birthday blues are over now and it is time to face the reality. No use in sulking about the cancellations from friends you had right before your party, the hangover you had the day afterwards or the more balder head that stared you in the face this morning.

Now it is time live (and to recover some deadlines that you have missed at the office). Stuff the breakup, stuff the bald head, stuff the patronizing partners you are working with from 'North America' and stuff your C-grade secretary that resigned on you while you were abroad.

Now a lot of things are officially stuffed!

SA is very cold at the moment (see previous post), thus I might have had too much to red wine for tonight and need to end off here.

Winter in Africa

2006-05-22T19:49:00.000+02:00

Now here is the picture people in the rest of the world do not expect to see... A snowy African winter.
Photo courtesy of a www.news24.com user.

Happy b'day!

2006-05-21T07:59:00.000+02:00

Today is my birthday! Now I am officially on the wrong side of 25, but at least still on the right side of 35. Had my party on Friday night (drank whay too much) and had a small do with the family last night. We'll see how today and the rest of the year pan out, in the meantime all I can say is: Happy b'day to myself!

Paris, my favourite place!

2006-05-17T20:18:00.000+02:00

Another circle is complete

2006-05-17T19:52:00.000+02:00

In one of the earlier posts I was boasting about a new relationship, the earlier me and all of the other arrogant crap. Guess what, I am there again. I got dumped a month ago, suddenly it would be better to just be friends than to be in a relationship!

I returned from Paris last week, it was amazing and exactly what I needed to clear my mind. I am doing much better now. So much better that I forgot his phone number - and I am good at remembering numbers! I will post some pics of the Paris trip soon.

Sunday is my b'day, so I am getting together with some friends on Friday night. If anything is worth telling I will post it. It will generally be the usual suspects, with the odd old friend which I have not seen in a while.

Work is going fine, just looking forward to the trip to Toronto in August!!!

For those who have been wondering... nothing has happened about the 'ghosts of the past' posting... bastard!

Inspiration

2006-03-16T20:27:00.000+02:00

This was still one of my most beautiful sites to date. Lake Kariba in Zimbabwe in 1995.

The ghosts of the past

2006-03-16T19:52:00.000+02:00

I have published a post earlier which was a description of me a some months ago, but an earlier me has come to haunt me in some way.

I left school for the city two days after I wrote my last paper (7 yrs+ ago) and have never made real contact with that life again. Ran into an old friend a few years ago and with whom I had the best friendship for about 18 months and that fizzled out, but other than that I have been past and baggage free. I have been missing people from my past for some years now, wondering what they are up to and who they are now. Last week was a surprise though, I ran into a very good friend from school out of the blue who is now also living in the city. We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet for a few beers sometime.

In a moment of weakness I phoned him this afternoon to set up a drinking 'date'. He is travelling so we can only do it in the week of the 27th. Why do I write this post now then? The whole situation has brought up some interesting questions for me though. I have left a life behind and started a new one. I am a different person now, are they (he) still the same? To clarify, I used to be in the closet back then. Rumours about my sexuality surfaced in my final year and it basically killed my social existence.

Back to my questions, or challenges... I am feeling very anxtious - do I need to go through the coming out process again? Will I be measured according to the heterosexual measures of success (married, children, divorced etc.)? At least my career and experience could kick some heterosexual ass. He is not married or divorced and has no children - could that be our common ground, or will it be our travels? Who knows, I will post it here.

Just scrawling.

My leisure time, my inspiration

2006-03-16T19:46:00.000+02:00

I am actually a very busy invidual, working in an academic institution and all, but I thought it would be good idea to share the blogs I read whenever I do get the time (or make the time):

http://www.ohlalaparis.com/ (steph and alek)
http://completelynaked.typepad.com/ (thank god for jared)
http://www.beautiful.blogs.com/ (egon. rob & yann)
http://istanbulcasual.typepad.com/ (male beauties of the world)

These four are highly recommended.

An earlier me

2006-03-12T23:03:00.000+02:00

In my first posting I alluded to this piece I wrote during an afternoon of self-reflection sipping cocktails in Jamaica. How many cocktails did I have?

Deconstructing Gecko– Sunday, 05 June 2005

Two nights ago I was asked a very familiar question: ‘so why is a man like you single?’ As usual I did not give a very good answer. The most obvious answer to the question I deny. To some people I have said that I find solace in my singleness. Not everybody agrees with me on that. Some might say that it is euphemism for my fear of commitment. A clinical psychologist, not even my therapist but a colleague, said that this is true. I was in denial about an alleged fear of commitment for a long time, but I do now feel that it is indeed the case.

So lets call people with my condition IFOCs (Individuals with a Fear Of Commitment). Hi, my name is Gecko and I am an IFOC. My nature always forces to me to find a justification for everything I do and to overanalyse everything. Yet I have justified myself being an IFOC to some extend but I have not really analysed my IFOC existence. Is this what I am trying to do now?

So was I born an IFOC, or did I become one? I tend to think that I became one. At some stage I did have delusions about meeting the one, and then to live happily ever after. Delusions were shattered when my reality cheque bounced. Optimists say that things happen to us for a reason. Life has plans for you they say. Nice one, so life intends for me to work myself to death, not have a social life and not meeting the one. Or is it Life’s intention to save me from romantic idiosyncrasies? Or am I trying to justify my IFOC existence again? Or I might be trying to imply that some higher power, out of my control, is making me one?

I have quite a knack for writing in rhetoric question style. What would this be indicative of? Yet another question. I find it very easy to formulate questions. Is this because of a naivety when it comes to my own life? I think it is out of denial. We tend to focus on things that work in our lives. My professional life is a success, thus I bury myself in work. It saves me from the challenges and disappointments of looking, dating, uncertainty, frustration and winning the race to see who is going to dump whom.

They say men are not good at multitasking, am I reinforcing a stereotype by being one? Or is my work inhibiting my true processing power? Chinese spiritualism talks of yin and yang. Two opposite powers. That could be the reason why some aspects of life are blooming while others are wilting. I can sometimes be a habitual spiritualist, especially when it suits me. Could this be a need for justification again? Or could this be a form of deconstructive analysis?

Deconstructionist or not, I do think I am delving below the surface. How far I’ll need to delve I do not know. Am I delving for gold or oil?

Should I rather consider psychoanalysis? How does this make me feel? Have I considered any alternatives? Maybe self-psychoanalysis is not the alternative. Maybe it will make me seem too conceited.

I think I am dwelling off the topic to deconstruct here. If only I had Internet at the moment, I would have Google-ed it. Yet I do not think Google will find a webpage on me. Imagine if our lives were just web pages. My favourite commands would be:
‘find uncertainty and replace with concrete answers and directions, ENTER’. Can you imagine? On Monday mornings we can just post notices saying: ‘under construction –try again later’ or ‘the web page you are trying to find is currently unavailable’. Life would be so simple. When it comes to relationships I would like to post a message saying: ‘Due to high volumes of traffic, we cannot process your request at the moment. Please be patient and sorry for the inconvenience’. Or would this message be more relevant: ‘The server the page is hosted on is fitted with the latest IFOC firewall, your request seems suspicious and might carry risk of malicious damage to the system. For your and my safety from heart hackers and crackers we cannot process your request at the moment’. Microsoft would be more direct but yet subtle ‘Do you really want to terminate this relationship right now: yes/no/cancel?’

The question that eludes me though, do I really want to be an IFOC? Do I just make peace with destiny and give the blue print to a Lego architect?

2006-03-12T22:43:00.000+02:00

parts of me

The virgin voyage

2006-03-12T21:58:00.000+02:00

I have been reading so many blogs over the last few months and have been toying with the idea of starting one myself that this virgin voyage is quite a feat. Maybe I should use this opportunity to establish some Blog indentity first...

I am a twenty something gay male living in South Africa (the country not the whole southern area of the continent). I work for one of the leading universities in the fields of HIV/AIDS and development and am fairly well travelled.

Indentity aside - what do I want to achieve with this blog? - what do I want to explore?

Your guess is probably as good as mine at this stage. I would maybe like to use it as a living commentary of current affairs (lets see how that unfolds).

The one aspect of my life I would specifically like to explore in this space is the fact that until recently I had an immense fear of commitment. The major gap in my life was not having a boyfriend, yet at the same time my biggest sense of security was not having one. I will in due time publish a piece wrote mid-last year to maybe clarify this statement. I think fear of commitment is a very pertinent issue for not only gays but heterosexuals alike.

In the meantime I will figure out how this system works exactly.

Until I scrawl again.